I always took pride in talking about my successful weight loss journey. But the truth is a whole lot of ugliness transpired in between. I was inspired to write about this after reading “The Silence We Eat” By Oyindamola Shoola. So, this post is lowkey dedicated to her.
The females in my family tend to be on the big size but I never really had any major weight issues till my final year.
My regular weight those times 😂😂😂
It all began with the realization that I was beginning to stare the real world in the eye. I managed to go by in school but i wasn’t really sure what i wanted to do with my life. I didn’t like the course I was studying. I looked around me and I saw that a lot of my friends were already kicking ass, getting hitched, making plans to further their education etc. I felt like a total failure. And in order not to face this undeniable truth, I decided to hide from the world.
I stopped attending classes and would spend my days eating, sleeping, watching movies and chatting. Here I was in school but pretending it didn’t exist. The first semester ended and I was visited by four tall, dark and handsome F’s. This drove me further into the arms of food. It was my way of escaping the darkness that was threatening to swallow up my mind. (Un)luckily for me, I had a boyfriend who didn’t hold back when it came to spoiling me with ijekuje.
I never got to graduate with my friends but I attended their convocation. It was through one of the pictures I took that I met her. Technically, me but I didn’t want to believe I had become the girl in the picture. I was so big and round and looked heavy. I wondered how I didn’t notice my linear expansion happening. I was really angry. Angry at my boyfriend and my friends for not being honest with me that I now looked like baff (basin). I went to the medical centre to check my weight and i was a whopping 72kg. Somehow, I had gained 13kg in roughly 18 months.
The “OMG” moment
I knew something had to change because if i kept up with the lifestyle, I would hate myself down the line. I found myself a personal trainer who drilled me mercilessly three times a week. I was so dedicated and determined that by my second monthly weigh in, I had lost 9kg. Due to proximity, I couldn’t continue with him after I was done with school. I was left to figure things out on my own now.
Healthy weight loss
I lost some more weight and it turned out that the more I lost, the more I became obsessed with losing. I moved from monthly weigh in, to weekly, to daily. I was now in a normal BMI but was itching to go lower and lower. An unrealistic weight was plastered all over my head. In a bid to look for ways to lose weight faster, I stumbled on a website. It was a site for people who had eating disorders. I spent hours scouring the site and liked what I saw. There were loads of girls who were my size or bigger previously and were now paper thin. I was sucked in by the collar bones, the thigh gaps, hip bones and protruding ribs. I created an account and immersed myself. It seemed, I had finally found home.
I started to join several challenges with funny names like “skinny till summer”, “mono challenge”, “ana diet” etc most of which involved starving and excessive exercises. I became a puppet to ‘Ana’. (ana is short for anorexia). I would go for days taking only water, tomato soup or just an apple. When I find myself in situations where I have no choice to eat, I’d find a way to go throw up. I had several support groups on WhatsApp, IG and kik. The motivation was high. But still, I wasn’t impressed with the slow results. Then I took a dangerous detour.
After joining the “ana gang”
One of my ana buddies recommended laxatives. The required dosage was 2 but I doubled it to 4. I’d take this every evening and spend my nights shuffling from my room to the toilet. Every morning, my scale was the first thing I’d say hi to. The weight was dropping and even though I knew deep down most was just water weight, it gave me joy. Sometimes, I wouldn’t even take water or food all day so the numbers won’t come up the next day. If the numbers came up, I’d start to panic and starve myself the more. I became obsessed with looking at myself in the mirror and checking to see my collar bones, ribs and hip bones. I successfully hid this from my family and even though I knew I was playing with digestive failure, I was willing to risk it all just to be an ana girl.
I wanted thigh gaps so badly
you can see the outline of my ribs
my pelvis was beginning protrude too
I was beginning to experience fatigue, my joints were always aching, I had never ending headaches. My body was wasting away and I couldn’t bear to leave my bed for long. I had read extensively about the dangers of starving yourself to be thin and I concluded it really wasn’t worth it. I quit my suicide mission. Even though I was still picky, I started eating normally. I stopped working out and I shut my scale away. I began to see my relationship with food in a positive light. I wouldn’t say I’m in the body positive movement yet but I no longer hate my body like I used to.
It’s why I get really pissed when someone tells me, “oh, you are getting fat”. For a long time I struggled with self image and hating my body. I was self destructive and it wasn’t easy battling all these demons alone but I did and I conquered. So please, don’t talk nonsense and let me slap you into oblivion.
A year ago vs today
Me now. *tongue out*
I haven’t used the scale in months. My stomach is now big like a leather football 😂😂😂, lol, but i’m not really bothered. I don’t intend to be 72kg ever again but I’m not killing myself over it. With time, I’d find a balance. My ancestors have decided flat tummy is not my portion and so be it. 😒😒😒
This story is not to inspire, motivate or inspivate anyone. I’m also not here to get anyone’s pity. I just figured it was time I talked about it because no one really talks about stuffs like this. Many have probably gone through this or are going through this and if my story could help, then why not share?
Never forget, be-YOU-tiful.